You start your evening off like every other evening… you drive home in traffic, you get annoyed at other people’s driving, you get home, you complain about your day while making/eating dinner “Can you BELIEVE Brenda did that AGAIN today?! And nobody is doing ANYTHING about it!!!” And your partner/parent/friend/dog nods along… you carry that stress while watching TV, brushing your teeth, and washing your face and you fall into bed exhausted and still reeling from the work day.
Does that sound like you? Mostly? Good. Then this advice is for you!!
I used to be exactly like that person nagging about Brenda… but then I learned some truths that I’ll teach you and some practical, actionable steps you can take to feel calm, in-control, and free of stress. Ready? Let’s go…
Truth 1:
You can’t control ANYONE besides yourself.
I can hear you behind the screen “I knowwww. But they’re doing the wrong thing, they’re annoying, they’re …(insert complaint here).” Trust me, I get it! But, you can’t change them. You can’t force them to do the right thing. You can’t make them do anything. You can, however, change how you view these people.
How do you do that?? It’s pretty simple. (Notice I said simple, not easy!)
Here’s what I’ve done that helps me:
Every time I get annoyed at someone I take a deep breath and ask myself “can I do anything about this?”. Usually the answer is no. So, I literally take the annoying thought and throw it out of my brain. Think about balling up a piece of paper and throwing it in the trash. That’s what I do with the thought. Every. Single. Time.
Now that those thoughts are out of my brain, I say “I can only control myself.” Or “I am only responsible for my actions.” I did this like 50 times a day in the beginning. It takes time and consistent practice. It’ll get less and less frequent, I promise.
Action step: Have a controlling thought? Toss it in the trash and say “I can only control myself”
Truth 2:
You work to live, you don’t live to work.
Society tells us that we have to be in a job we love or else we’re doing something wrong. That we have to keep striving for more allll the time. But that’s wrong!! Our jobs don’t define us, we have our jobs to make money to fund our lives OUTSIDE of work.
The moment you shift your mindset from “my job is my identity” to “my job matters, but my life outside of my job matters more” you set yourself free from the weight and stress of the work you do.
Do your best with the time you’re at work, then leave it there.
Action Step: Shake off work the moment you get in your car (more details later).
Truth 3:
Your partner/family/friends don’t care about your job.
Yikes, I know. This one hurts. I can hear you saying, “But Ryan! They care! They always ask me how my day was and they ask how work is going!!”
Okay… is that because work is all you talk about? I guarantee if you talked about your hobbies/interests/kids/pets/favorite tv shows, as much as you talk about work, your family would ask about those instead.
Remember, you are not your job. You are SO MUCH MORE than what you do to earn money. Act like it.
Your partner/family/friends/dog/cat love YOU. They don’t love you because of your job.
Action step: Start talking less about your job with your people and talk more about the things you love to do… see what changes. When they ask about your day, don’t monologue… say something like “it was fine! How was yours?” And move on.
Now for the real reason you’re here… my practical evening routine!
My 5-9 after my 9-5.
My calm after the storm.
My reset button.
Here we go….
After I’m done with work, I get in my car and before I start driving, I get all the stress/negativity/anger/annoyance out of my brain and my body. You can do this multiple different ways, whatever works for you that day: (Truth 2 Action Step)
Close your eyes and take 5 deep, slow breaths. Mentally move down your body and release tension (eyebrows, jaw, neck, shoulders, back…)
Shake your hands for 30 seconds like you just washed them and there are no towels. Breathe while you do this. Imagine all the stress of the work day flying out of your fingertips.
Ball your hands up into fists and scream LOUDLY. Then breathe deep and say “I’m only responsible for myself. I did great today.”
Listen to a guided progressive muscle relaxation meditation. Imagine your stress leaving your body when you soften your muscles.
Action Step: Do your preferred stress release, then say out loud “I’m leaving work at work. I’ll pick it up again tomorrow”
Driving home, I say “this will take as long as it takes”. That way, I’m not stressing about getting home at a certain time. You can call someone (and talk about ANYTHING besides work), listen to an audiobook, think about what to make for dinner (again!!), look at the clouds, the trees, the other cars.
Action step: Think about things that make you happy and bring you peace. Listen to your favorite songs and sing along, listen to an audiobook, catch up with a friend… as long as it serves you (and you’re driving safely) do that!
Now, you’re home. This is where your emotional cup continues to get filled! You’ve left work at work, you’ve done something you enjoy, now what?
Go change out of work clothes immediately! You can stop on your way to hug your partner, your kids, your pets, your plants, but get out of those clothes!!
Action Step: Change into comfy clothes. This can be Athleisure, pjs, a robe, whatever! You’re doing this to reinforce that you’re not in work-mode anymore.
Now, the rest of your evening is structured like this:
Your non-negotiables
Nurturing yourself
Nurturing your relationships
Nurturing your home
Think about your non-negotiables. The things you HAVE to do or else your world will fall apart… Making and eating dinner, paying bills, taking your dog outside to potty, taking the kids to after school activities. This doesn’t include cleaning the house, doing the dishes, taking a shower… none of those are non-negotiables. Stick with me here…
Then, you nurture yourself. I can hear you saying “yeah, like I have time for that!!” Or “I don’t even know what that would look like”. Totally fine… again, this is simple, but not easy. This could look like a face-mask while you watch TV, taking a shower, or crafting. This could be a 10 minute workout. This could be reading 5 pages of your favorite book.
Action Step: Do something, no matter how small, that makes you feel like a priority. You are your most important priority. Read that again.
Now that you’ve shown up for yourself (or you’ve planned how you will after the kids go to sleep), then it’s time to nurture your relationships. Do this by playing with your kids, hugging your partner for longer than usual, playing with your pets, texting a friend. This is intentional time set aside that says “I care about making this relationship the best I can.” This isn’t mindlessly watching tv with your partner. This is cuddling while you watch your favorite show. Laughing, pausing the TV to talk about your favorite scenes. Maybe play your favorite board game together or play a lively game of “would you rather”.
Action step: Spend time with your loved ones and, even if it’s just 15 minutes, do something that makes them feel loved and valued by you.
The last step is to nurture your home. What the heck does this mean?! This means, you give yourself whatever time you can, 5 minutes, 15 minutes, whatever… to do something around your home that needs attention. Maybe that’s dishes, cleaning up toys, folding that never ending pile of laundry, vacuuming, changing a light bulb. Whatever it is, spend that time purposefully. This shows that you’re putting effort into your home and intentionally making it a clean, safe space.
Action Step: Set a timer for 15 minutes and get done what you can in that time. Speed through it while listening to a podcast or talking to your partner. You’ll be surprised how fast the time flies, and you’ll have a cleaner home to show for it!
Now, it’s bed time!! We’ve filled our own cups and nurtured our relationships and home. Now what do we do? We get into bed and relax deeply. We go through what we’re grateful for in our brains. We talk about what went well today. This helps our brains learn to focus on the positive. Even if the positive was “I finally put away the laundry!” That’s good enough. We’re focusing on the good instead of dwelling on the stress. This leads to better, deeper sleep, and a more positive mindset.
Action step: Close the day with gratitude. Before you go to sleep, think about everything that went well that day.
That’s it!! Do you see how with a few truths, and some simple actions, you can create an evening that is stress free, intentional, and productive? Even implementing one of these action steps will help you to feel more connected to yourself, your people, and your purpose.
What are you going to implement from this list?
What do you do in the evenings to make them calm and stress free?
How do you nurture yourself, your relationships, and your home?
Tell us in the comments below!
Thank you for reading! I hope this resonated with you and helps you to become all that you want to be! You got this. You’re not alone. It gets easier.
All my love,
Ryan
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